1 I try to drive to a lonely beach. Then I let go. Nana comes to the front and I fall. There is nothing I can remember. I am lost in endless, desperate baby spaces. Days become nights and nights become days.
2 The strange thing is that I feel more dependent on José than ever before. My dependency on him has become a deeply unhealthy one. I cannot grow out of it anymore.
3 It broke my heart. My trust. Not only my trust in him. Also my trust in myself. And every time I look at him I am falling. Like Nana the baby. I am breaking. Only my face still wears a happy mask.
4 All I am is a burden. Something everyone is happy to know as far away as possible.
5 My energy is just flowing out of my body. Like there was a big, deep wound inside my heart and my life energy was just disappearing.
6 At work up in the mountains life is calm and peaceful. It is a small world in nature where somehow everything is still alright. The problems that appear are solvable.
7 I lose José again and I fall deep. All this has to stop.
8 Whatever is happening between José and me, it is not healing. Not at all! Each time my desperate baby feelings are triggered and I go into free fall.