1 The next Holotropic Breathwork training in San Feliu is really difficult for my system. My adult side is broken and I feel absolutely unable to control Ria, Nira and Nana.
2 I am already Nira and I want to feel Elara. When we have lectures, I just get up silently and sidle up to Elara. She is sitting on a chair and I sit down on the floor, directly in front of her leaning on her legs. Here is the real Elara. Not an imagination.
3 Big tears are running down my face. I cry out all my fear and insecurity. Till I feel myself becoming secure again. Everything is alright. I am allowed to go for my need. My baby needs are not bad.
4 I am not only one human of 7 billion. Just a nobody on earth. I am someone. I feel loved because of who I am. I feel wanted because of who I am and suddenly I feel like I want to create the best for myself.
5 José leaves. I am falling again. All my new self-confidence, the will to stand up for myself, all the love I had felt for myself before. It all breaks at once within seconds.
6 I do not want to break the dependency to José and create a new dependency at the same time. Instead of this I cry out all my longing and my sadness about the fact that I will never allow the little ones to live out that holding need with Alexandra. I am stroking the little ones and feeling so sorry for their suffering.
7 The gap between my adult (especially Katha) and my little personalities is still deep. At work I am that self-confident, strong and funny woman and as soon as I come home the little ones show up and I am totally exhausted.
8 My spare days often do not have any structure at all. I live out my creative attacks whenever they appear. I run through the flat with colour dropping down my hands, feet or face. I love my new life in the flat-share.
9 I am in my comfortable room. Everything is okay. There is no reason to worry. No fears to have. Everything is okay. I am here. And I have time.
10 Although I am still thrown into deep child states, I am nevertheless more and more able to live an adult life.
11 Suddenly I see the Breathwork room of San Feliu in front of me. My hand lies in Elara’s hand. It feels good. I feel her strength, her calmness, her attention. It feels like suddenly everything falls into the right order. I feel like a child. I am not a little adult supporting my mum. I am a child supported by an adult.