Chapter 11 - One of seven billion

173 Split HB 08 2015  The next Holotropic Breathwork training in San Feliu is really difficult for my system. My adult side is broken and I feel absolutely unable to control Ria, Nira and Nana.  176 Being safe 08 2015  I am already Nira and I want to feel Elara. When we have lectures, I just get up silently and sidle up to Elara. She is sitting on a chair and I sit down on the floor, directly in front of her leaning on her legs. Here is the real Elara. Not an imagination.  174 Fixed baby 08 2015  Big tears are running down my face. I cry out all my fear and insecurity. Till I feel myself becoming secure again. Everything is alright. I am allowed to go for my need. My baby needs are not bad.  172 New hope 08 2015  I am not only one human of 7 billion. Just a nobody on earth. I am someone. I feel loved because of who I am. I feel wanted because of who I am and suddenly I feel like I want to create the best for myself. 
175 Being shut out 08 2015  José leaves. I am falling again. All my new self-confidence, the will to stand up for myself, all the love I had felt for myself before. It all breaks at once within seconds.  179 Network 09 2015  I do not want to break the dependency to José and create a new dependency at the same time. Instead of this I cry out all my longing and my sadness about the fact that I will never allow the little ones to live out that holding need with Alexandra. I am stroking the little ones and feeling so sorry for their suffering.  180 Two sides 09 2015  The gap between my adult (especially Katha) and my little personalities is still deep. At work I am that self-confident, strong and funny woman and as soon as I come home the little ones show up and I am totally exhausted.  188 Los cuatros elementos 10 2015  My spare days often do not have any structure at all. I live out my creative attacks whenever they appear. I run through the flat with colour dropping down my hands, feet or face. I love my new life in the flat-share. 
195 Embracing vulnerability 01 2016  I am in my comfortable room. Everything is okay. There is no reason to worry. No fears to have. Everything is okay. I am here. And I have time.  194 Taking away the shield 12 2015  Although I am still thrown into deep child states, I am nevertheless more and more able to live an adult life.  196 Picking up the little one 02 2016  Suddenly I see the Breathwork room of San Feliu in front of me. My hand lies in Elara’s hand. It feels good. I feel her strength, her calmness, her attention. It feels like suddenly everything falls into the right order. I feel like a child. I am not a little adult supporting my mum. I am a child supported by an adult.