1 When Noam has fallen asleep, I get up. I take some paper and a pen. Nira has not painted since the last module in March. Not one painting. She did not have the courage to take a pen. She was afraid of her own feelings and she needs to feel when she paints. But now we both sit down on the floor and make at least a little drawing in black-and-white together.
2 I am at my Holotropic Brethwork group in Germany. We have a little meditation and some kind of fantasy journey. I already feel so much in my process. So, Nira and I continue with producing little black-and-white drawings.
3 I do not want to feel the painful experience of a left alone baby again. I am far too tired for that pain. I am better off alone with myself. There is nothing I can lose. I will be with myself for the rest of my life and this is something no one can take away from me.
4 I feel a powerful energy. I am at the edge of either falling into my baby’s pain or allowing that pain to transform into bitterness.
5 Suddenly, my consciousness jumps through time and space. I become older. I do not feel Nana’s pain anymore. But I can see Nana lying in front of me and I sing for her. I sing loud. Nana needs these sounds and tones so much. It is like a healing energy that is slowly filling up her baby body.
6 I feel like a baby that is strapped by my mother’s side watching her interact with others. It is such a deep experience of “everything is alright”. I switch between Nana and Katharina.