Chapter 14 - The return home

201 New beginning 07 2016  When Noam has fallen asleep, I get up. I take some paper and a pen. Nira has not painted since the last module in March. Not one painting. She did not have the courage to take a pen. She was afraid of her own feelings and she needs to feel when she paints. But now we both sit down on the floor and make at least a little drawing in black-and-white together.  202 Return home 07 2016  I am at my Holotropic Brethwork group in Germany. We have a little meditation and some kind of fantasy journey. I already feel so much in my process. So, Nira and I continue with producing little black-and-white drawings.  203 Protected 07 2016  I do not want to feel the painful experience of a left alone baby again. I am far too tired for that pain. I am better off alone with myself. There is nothing I can lose. I will be with myself for the rest of my life and this is something no one can take away from me.  204 At the edge 07 2016  I feel a powerful energy. I am at the edge of either falling into my baby’s pain or allowing that pain to transform into bitterness. 
205 Healing 07 2016  Suddenly, my consciousness jumps through time and space. I become older. I do not feel Nana’s pain anymore. But I can see Nana lying in front of me and I sing for her. I sing loud. Nana needs these sounds and tones so much. It is like a healing energy that is slowly filling up her baby body.  206 A safe baby 07 2016  I feel like a baby that is strapped by my mother’s side watching her interact with others. It is such a deep experience of “everything is alright”. I switch between Nana and Katharina.