Chapter 5 - Drawing a split identity

017 Fear 04 2013  When I pass the border to Germany and hear more and more people speaking German, I feel annoyed. I am in panic because I have come back home where part of my family lives. Am I secure?  033 Screaming voiceless 06 2013  Often I lie on the floor of my little room-cave and scream voicelessly.  018 Teardrops 04 2013  Sometimes I cry for long hours till I am so exhausted that I fall asleep. And when I wake up, I continue crying. My throat feels like it is laced up and my thyroid feels swollen.  027 Locked up 05 2013  I feel caught. 
019 Pressure Equalization 04 2013  My mind has stopped working and I fight against self-hate.  048 Self-hatred 06 2013  I hate my mind for not working and not remembering and often all that is left are my feelings. Then my world is pain, sorrow and grief.  022 Crowning glory 04 2013  I do not know what I am going to do next. And sometimes I am a danger not only for myself but also for others.  021 Coming home 04 2013  I often think about killing myself. It seems to be the only way to find peace. 
040 Nach Hause 06 2013  I want to find my way home.  026 Inside-outside 05 2013  My perspective is changing with every blink of my eyes. There is nothing fixed. There is no truth in all this.  024 Kill the baby 04 2013  I do not know who I am. And my adult side fights against the baby feelings.  032 Kill the adult 05 2013  Just like the baby side fights against the adult. 
058 Tearfulness 07 2013  My desperate baby states are one of the most difficult moments.  031 Feeding 05 2013  I feel like a starving baby.  034 Crappy being 06 2013  My little room-cave has become my prison. In the really bad moments I lock the door.  050 Goodbye Ladra 06 2013  In my dark moments I want to push Ladra away, but she keeps being with me. Sometimes I look into her eyes for hours. Then I have the feeling she is watching me and I am not completely alone in all this. 
046 Eye patch 06 2013  As long as I can move, I try to paint. I draw in almost all my states. My inside becomes visible.  036 The dark night of the soul 06 2013  Sometimes painting helps me to slowly get out of my overwhelming feelings.  061 Pain 08 2013  My paintings show something that is much bigger than me. They show something universal about human existence.  059 Opening the clam 07 2013  Sometimes after painting for hours in pain and trance, I carefully open the door of my room-prison. I go outside and walk through the street as if it were the first time. 
035 Self-portrait 06 2013 a  I do not know who I am. I have no identity. No knowledge about my past or my future. But still I am.  039 Turn out to be 06 2013  It all looks like I have never been here before. Every little bit is interesting and I look around fascinated.  042 Embrace 06 2013  There are few moments in which I am able to overtake the different roles.  044 Lookout tower 06 2013  I try to find a new perspective. 
047 Skinning 06 2013  Who am I and what am I? What I’m doing here all the time is: I anatomise myself. What is behind the walls of my own protection?  057 What remains 07 2013  What is left over when I take away my roles, my relationships, my home, my work, all I can and all I know...?  056 JUMP 07 2013  At times my whole memory is lost and I feel as if it was my first day on earth.  049 Ich will nach Hause 06 2013  I want to get home. 
043 Ladra + a way out 06 2013  Is Ladra really able to take care of me in my dark moments? Will I listen to her in the moments when I am completely out of control?  045 Being with someone safe 06 2013  Elara’s letters are my anchor and often my only connection out of my room-cave into the world. I imagine her being with me.  052 Trust 06 2013  If I trust Elara, I do not feel disappointed, discouraged or dismissive because I know that she is with me, that we have a bond, that she only wants the best for me.  063 Miss you 08 2013 a  With the promise I have something to work with. I can get through my desperate moments... 
063 Connected 08 2013 b  ... and find my way back to trust and connection.  055 Being held 07 2013  I practice working with my imagination to calm myself down. I imagine being held by Elara.  062 Love 08 2013  Especially when I feel like a young child or a baby, I suddenly feel able to love again. I love Elara.  060 Ban from paradise 08 2013  I still feel so thin and hungry. What I really need is to be breastfed.