1 When I pass the border to Germany and hear more and more people speaking German, I feel annoyed. I am in panic because I have come back home where part of my family lives. Am I secure?
2 Often I lie on the floor of my little room-cave and scream voicelessly.
3 Sometimes I cry for long hours till I am so exhausted that I fall asleep. And when I wake up, I continue crying. My throat feels like it is laced up and my thyroid feels swollen.
4 I feel caught.
5 My mind has stopped working and I fight against self-hate.
6 I hate my mind for not working and not remembering and often all that is left are my feelings. Then my world is pain, sorrow and grief.
7 I do not know what I am going to do next. And sometimes I am a danger not only for myself but also for others.
8 I often think about killing myself. It seems to be the only way to find peace.
9 I want to find my way home.
10 My perspective is changing with every blink of my eyes. There is nothing fixed. There is no truth in all this.
11 I do not know who I am. And my adult side fights against the baby feelings.
12 Just like the baby side fights against the adult.
13 My desperate baby states are one of the most difficult moments.
14 I feel like a starving baby.
15 My little room-cave has become my prison. In the really bad moments I lock the door.
16 In my dark moments I want to push Ladra away, but she keeps being with me. Sometimes I look into her eyes for hours. Then I have the feeling she is watching me and I am not completely alone in all this.
17 As long as I can move, I try to paint. I draw in almost all my states. My inside becomes visible.
18 Sometimes painting helps me to slowly get out of my overwhelming feelings.
19 My paintings show something that is much bigger than me. They show something universal about human existence.
20 Sometimes after painting for hours in pain and trance, I carefully open the door of my room-prison. I go outside and walk through the street as if it were the first time.
21 I do not know who I am. I have no identity. No knowledge about my past or my future. But still I am.
22 It all looks like I have never been here before. Every little bit is interesting and I look around fascinated.
23 There are few moments in which I am able to overtake the different roles.
24 I try to find a new perspective.
25 Who am I and what am I? What I’m doing here all the time is: I anatomise myself. What is behind the walls of my own protection?
26 What is left over when I take away my roles, my relationships, my home, my work, all I can and all I know...?
27 At times my whole memory is lost and I feel as if it was my first day on earth.
28 I want to get home.
29 Is Ladra really able to take care of me in my dark moments? Will I listen to her in the moments when I am completely out of control?
30 Elara’s letters are my anchor and often my only connection out of my room-cave into the world. I imagine her being with me.
31 If I trust Elara, I do not feel disappointed, discouraged or dismissive because I know that she is with me, that we have a bond, that she only wants the best for me.
32 With the promise I have something to work with. I can get through my desperate moments...
33 ... and find my way back to trust and connection.
34 I practice working with my imagination to calm myself down. I imagine being held by Elara.
35 Especially when I feel like a young child or a baby, I suddenly feel able to love again. I love Elara.
36 I still feel so thin and hungry. What I really need is to be breastfed.