1 In the next Holotropic Breathwork workshop in Spain it is all about the baby. Getting an answer to that neediness of my baby side has a strong impact on me.
2 It does not feel like everything I do is senseless anymore and that makes me able to function in the outer world again. I still have not found a meaning in life. But now at this moment this is somehow okay. I have no meaning – but I am.
3 After the workshop in Spain I am very busy with everything around birth...
4 ... and the mother-baby relationship. Who am I and who is my mum?
5 Being in my adult side for three hours a day is often challenging. What can I do when I fall into my baby side and cry for hours because I am feeling so left alone?
6 How can I connect in all my experiences? What people can see is only the tip of the iceberg. But I need to share... with whom?
7 I am looking at my last painting: A thin figure is falling into red colour. It is sucking on something that looks like water, but whatever it might be, it definitely does not seem to feed that person because this figure looks so thin.
8 I warm up some soya milk, fill it in the baby bottle and lie down in my bed with Ladra in my arm and start sucking. I am totally overwhelmed. Thoroughly happy and much happier than I imagined I could ever be as a lonely baby.
9 The therapists are very careful here. They are so afraid of opening doors they cannot close anymore. They do not understand that in my case all doors are already opened. And all I need is a way to express all this. All I need is communication.
10 It just shows the hell in which I am in. But when it is hanging over my bed and I am feeling better at times, I can look at it and find compassion for that part of myself. And I had a reason to paint it: Elara asked me for more space and less frequent e-mails because she has a busy time ahead.
11 In the night I leave the windows wide open as if nature is watching me and caring for me.
12 I need to find a meaning and a deeper sense. I know that I will not be really happy until I have learned to follow that inner call.
13 Almost everybody here has great difficulties with sleeping. Except me. I imagine lying down next to Elara and being held. And then I sleep like a happy baby in the arms of a loving mother.
14 My hand puppet Ladra becomes a little patient’s star.
15 Once a week we paint mandalas and I love to create my own mandalas.
16 Almost every day we work with our imagination - e.g.: We imagine a blue cloak which protects us from expectations.
17 Often I paint in my room and sometimes my clinic friend Lyna and I search for a free room and paint there together so that I can express what ever is inside.
18 I like the tasks we get in art therapy. One day we are asked to paint our web of relationships but as I still feel like a baby I only want mum.
19 Another day we are asked to paint the border between us and other people. But I feel very independent from other people (except Elara). My problem is the border to myself - so this is what I paint.
20 Once our task is to paint how expectations feel for us. I like that one!
21 Slowly it feels like the laughter and liveliness return to the clinic corridors.
22 In our last art therapy session before Christmas we are asked to paint a prescription for our well-being.
23 I drive back to the clinic and read the e-mail Elara has written me. She asks me to only write her short updates and not such long e-mails anymore.
24 Elara has had surgery. But she does not write more about it. I feel fearful and so insecure. Will Elara be alright again? What had happened to her? What is going on?
25 Inside all my thoughts seem to stop moving. And once again I feel a huge silence growing. For hours I get lost in the desperate experience of a dying foetus.
26 I start to prepare myself for going back home and one thing is for sure: I need a radical change in my life. I try to imagine a good place for myself.