1 Elara asks me to take my letters to therapy. She does not have the time to read them. Time is breaking. Fuck! I look at my hands. The small thin hands of a child.
2 It is all because of the blood. It is too red. It is too much imbued with Elara’s love. I must let it flow out of my body. Like my pain.
3 My world is breaking! Like ice. Breaking. Snow is falling and catching every sound. My skin is icy cold. And white. There is no blood left. No warmth left. I see the baby. It is going to die because it is too cold. Why is this baby lying there alone?
4 I must tell someone about all this. But whom? Whom? I cannot stay alone in all this. I am going mad.
5 Elara did not want to stop interacting with me. She did not want to leave me alone. It had only happened in my mind.
6 I gather all my courage and I write her that I cut myself. I write her that I lost my mind and my trust in her. I broke my promise.
7 I must find my way back to trusting Elara.
8 I am totally exhausted. Nevertheless I have to move on.
9 Every new challenge feels like a breaking test.
10 The feeling of loosing mum appears again and again in the following weeks.
11 Often I feel as if I had lost. I never learn how to trust or how to love. I tried my best to not give up but in the end I am never strong enough. I never had a real chance and my suffering is more than I can express.
12 What if I need too much? Even though Elara and I have our promise I am still thrown into the feelings of anger and disappointment every now and then. Why is she not interested in me? Why am I not allowed to become part of her life?
13 At the next Holotropic Breathwork in Spain I get new hope. Starched with all the confirming messages and holding, I pack my backpack to travel deep into the south of Spain to work on a trial basis in my new job.
14 After work I break down deeply. Now that the teenagers are not around, I have no chance to keep any of my states under control. Once again I am totally alone falling into my personal hell.
15 In my first therapy session with José I want nothing more than rest and to find new strength to go out into the world. For these hours I spend with him, I feel like a heavy weight is taken off my shoulders. I can be who I am. And I feel secure.