Chapter 7 - Exploring a new world

099 Loosing mom 01 2014  Elara asks me to take my letters to therapy. She does not have the time to read them. Time is breaking. Fuck! I look at my hands. The small thin hands of a child.  120 The cut 06 2014  It is all because of the blood. It is too red. It is too much imbued with Elara’s love. I must let it flow out of my body. Like my pain.  100 Lay to rest 02 2014  My world is breaking! Like ice. Breaking. Snow is falling and catching every sound. My skin is icy cold. And white. There is no blood left. No warmth left. I see the baby. It is going to die because it is too cold. Why is this baby lying there alone?  102 No human left 03 2014  I must tell someone about all this. But whom? Whom? I cannot stay alone in all this. I am going mad. 
101 All myself 02 2014  Elara did not want to stop interacting with me. She did not want to leave me alone. It had only happened in my mind.  103 Comforting myself 03 2014  I gather all my courage and I write her that I cut myself. I write her that I lost my mind and my trust in her. I broke my promise.  104 Emotional nourishment 03 2014  I must find my way back to trusting Elara.  105 Effeteness 03 2014  I am totally exhausted. Nevertheless I have to move on. 
106 Crucial test 04 2014  Every new challenge feels like a breaking test.  107 Bury mom 04 2014  The feeling of loosing mum appears again and again in the following weeks.  108 Sisyphus and Prometheus (today alias Jesus) on their way up the shamanic version of Yggdrasil 04 2014  Often I feel as if I had lost. I never learn how to trust or how to love. I tried my best to not give up but in the end I am never strong enough. I never had a real chance and my suffering is more than I can express.  116 Entangled self 05 2014  What if I need too much? Even though Elara and I have our promise I am still thrown into the feelings of anger and disappointment every now and then. Why is she not interested in me? Why am I not allowed to become part of her life? 
109 Touch the earth 04 2014  At the next Holotropic Breathwork in Spain I get new hope. Starched with all the confirming messages and holding, I pack my backpack to travel deep into the south of Spain to work on a trial basis in my new job.  118 Lost 05 2014  After work I break down deeply. Now that the teenagers are not around, I have no chance to keep any of my states under control. Once again I am totally alone falling into my personal hell.  117 Skylight 05 2014  In my first therapy session with José I want nothing more than rest and to find new strength to go out into the world. For these hours I spend with him, I feel like a heavy weight is taken off my shoulders. I can be who I am. And I feel secure.