1 I feel light. Very light. A deep happiness flowing through me. Then I can see a woman. She is picking up my little child’s body. She feels warm. Like mum. She carries me. I know that I must switch to my adult being. I let Naira go with that woman. I cannot follow anymore.
2 Why did José wanted to connect me with something bigger? Why didn’t HE want this connection to me?
3 It seems as if my whole system of personalities just broke down. Everything I tried the last months was useless. I lost my heart. I lost the ability to love. Emotionally I am back where it all began.
4 I walked on the path of wishes but now I lost all of them. There is nothing left that could give my life a sense. Everything feels grey. I separate myself from everyone.
5 Did José know what would happen when he gave me the mala? Was it a blessing or a curse? I am exactly at the point where I started this journey. Is the relationship to José healthy?
6 José tries to get me back on the ground.
7 Then, one day, I can see colours again. The grey slowly disappears. The personalities come back.
8 The world becomes another place. I follow the movements of my body. I take the colours and throw them all over the paper. And what comes out is my own truth.
9 Even though I somehow feel far away from starting a relationship with a man, I sometimes start dreaming about it. How would it feel to love a man and to have sex with him?
10 Still the little ones often feel very lonesome.
11 And we miss writing long letters to Elara. I wish I could connect with her.
12 “Every time we little ones get a hug we just feel our self-hate because we hate needing so many hugs. We are a burden. It can’t become a beautiful experience. And every time we see José our need for hugs gets bigger”, Nira says.
13 I am glad about every piece of light I can possibly find.
14 We are addicts like the drunkard in the “Little Prince” and we are not able to stop all this.
15 Elara can understand this endless need for hugs so deeply that she is gentle and tender with us while fulfilling that holding need. In these moments, we stop hating ourselves for it.