Chapter 9 - Bonding and belonging

137 Nairas last breath 10 2014  I feel light. Very light. A deep happiness flowing through me. Then I can see a woman. She is picking up my little child’s body. She feels warm. Like mum. She carries me. I know that I must switch to my adult being. I let Naira go with that woman. I cannot follow anymore.  138 DO NOT FEED 10 2014  Why did José wanted to connect me with something bigger? Why didn’t HE want this connection to me?  140 Falling behind 11 2014  It seems as if my whole system of personalities just broke down. Everything I tried the last months was useless. I lost my heart. I lost the ability to love. Emotionally I am back where it all began.  143 Searching for love 12 2014  I walked on the path of wishes but now I lost all of them. There is nothing left that could give my life a sense. Everything feels grey. I separate myself from everyone. 
139 Relationships 11 2014  Did José know what would happen when he gave me the mala? Was it a blessing or a curse? I am exactly at the point where I started this journey. Is the relationship to José healthy?  141 Eat stones! 12 2014  José tries to get me back on the ground.  144 Three sisters of fate 01 2015  Then, one day, I can see colours again. The grey slowly disappears. The personalities come back.  146 Entity 01 2015  The world becomes another place. I follow the movements of my body. I take the colours and throw them all over the paper. And what comes out is my own truth. 
142 The inner fire 12 2014  Even though I somehow feel far away from starting a relationship with a man, I sometimes start dreaming about it. How would it feel to love a man and to have sex with him?  145 Roseweb 01 2015  Still the little ones often feel very lonesome.  147 Unite in peace 01 2015  And we miss writing long letters to Elara. I wish I could connect with her.  150 José 02 2015  “Every time we little ones get a hug we just feel our self-hate because we hate needing so many hugs. We are a burden. It can’t become a beautiful experience. And every time we see José our need for hugs gets bigger”, Nira says. 
155 Pieces of light 04 2015  I am glad about every piece of light I can possibly find.  156 Birth process 04 2015  We are addicts like the drunkard in the “Little Prince” and we are not able to stop all this.  158 We meet at the real mother 05 2015  Elara can understand this endless need for hugs so deeply that she is gentle and tender with us while fulfilling that holding need. In these moments, we stop hating ourselves for it.